I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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