This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
