one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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