Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
