gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
