I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
