maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
