I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
