enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
