I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
