You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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