Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
