i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
