im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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