Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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