I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
