I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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