Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
3pm strippers are depressing
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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