Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
