shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
