Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Randomize
