I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
