drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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