best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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