If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
