I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dignity is for republicans.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
