I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
