3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
