oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
