i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
