so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
