the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
