I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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