a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
