I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
