I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
