There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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