Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
