I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
