He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
