come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
