Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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