I could make wine with my vomit
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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