Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
