just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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