I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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