my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
