Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
