I'm so fucking centered right now
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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