Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
