well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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