He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
