is your mom at the bar?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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