I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
