third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
