my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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