Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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