I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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