btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
