come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize