this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Who died my cat blue again?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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